I hate Valentine’s Day. Not because I’m always single for it (okay maybe a little bit because I’m always single for it) but because I think it’s dumb. I think it’s the dumbest holiday in the world. I used to work in retail and I can tell you that Valentine’s Day is good for nothing unless you like fighting with your partner about exactly you want out of Valentine’s Day. Some people want a big sha-bang with roses, chocolates, a night of intense and passionate lovemaking. Others want to order Chinese food, drink boxed wine, stay in their pajamas and fall alseep on the couch together re-watching Making a Murderer. I’m not saying one is wrong and the other is right ……. but I think we all know which one I would choose. Valentine’s Day is also a great way to hate all of your friends who are in relationships. “We’re not even doing anything that special,” your friend will say, “he just rented a cottage in Vermont and we’re gonna spend the weekend skiing and having sex. I, like, don’t even want to go to be honest. I’d rather stay here with you and eat cheap chocolate hahaha.” NEWS FLASH. NO ONE FUCKING BELIEVES YOU. Fuck outta here with that bullshit. We all know it’s gonna be the best weekend of your life, just own it. I don’t need your pity.
See? I’m not bitter at all.
Anyways. Here is a play-by-play of how to be single on Valentine’s Day.
1) Pretend it’s not happening
I love living in denial. Ask any one of my friends or any single one of my professors from university. Whether it’s an impending writing deadline or the gas light has come on in my car or I see a customer in line who looks like they’re going to yell at me, you bet your ass I’m just going to trick myself into thinking it’s not even happening. So I do the same thing with Valentine’s Day. Anytime someone mentions it, my eyes glaze over and I just stare off into space until my brain registers a shift in the conversation. If I see heart-shaped chocolate, I just pretend that chocolate has always looks like that. If I see cute little teddy bears holding signs that say stupid shit like, “I love you BEARy much,” I just pretend that the person who designed it is in jail now for murder. Just normal things like that.
2) Use it to your advantage
When I get over the fact that it’s actually happening, I use it as an excuse to do whatever the fuck I want to do. Going on a Tinder spree? Valentine’s Day. Spending $35 on chocolate at Bulk Barn? V-day, motherfuckers. Going to see a cheap movie alone? It’s fucking Valentine’s WEEK, brah. Watching 14 hours of Netflix documentaries in one day? Valentine’s. Day. Driving by your ex’s house in the hopes that he’s outside and hopefully looks filled with remorse about ever letting you go and looks like he’s gained 20 pounds? You know why. VALENTINE’S DAY, YO.
3) Make better plans
I find that being single on Valentine’s Day opens a lot of doors. Chances are, if you go out, the couples will only be out until about midnight when they’ll all want to change out of their fancy clothes and/or want to go home to sex each other. Then it will only be fun, single people left! There’s nothing more fun, hilarious or, quite frankly, dangerous than a single person who is trying to drink away their loneliness. If there’s one thing drunk single people like more than shots it’s doing shots off of another drunk single person’s body. That sounds like a night that could never go badly, right? And if you don’t want to drown your sorrows, go do something you like to do. Make this into a V-day between you and you. If you like mini-putt, go fuckin’ putt, girl. If you wanna go see a movie, round up four other friends who don’t have plans and go see that movie! If you wanna eat a whole lobster dinner by yourself, fucking go for it!!! You do you, booboo!
4) Reflect on your past
Valentine’s Day is a great day to look back on past relationships and think about the good times, the bad times and all the times in between. Think of it as a January 1st but for your love life. A rejuvenation of sorts. Remember that time you threw a full can of peanuts at that one guy? Yeah, probably don’t do that ever again you crazy bitch. Remember that time you spent way too much time pining over one guy when he clearly didn’t reciprocate those feelings? You don’t deserve that! Don’t do that again. Remember when you and that guy built a bonfire and drank beers all night? Yeah, do more shit like that. Remember when that guy taught you how to skate and didn’t even mind having to pick you up off an icy surface for like two hours straight? Hang around more guys that would do that for you. Set yourself some relationship goals and crush them!
5) Celebrate with your best friend
Who said that Valentine’s Day was just for couples? Maybe they meant a coupla’ hotties who know how to have a good time, am I right?! Okay yeah that was bad we’re not all perfect let’s just move on. I had a really good conversation with one of my really good friends this weekend. We were both kinda tipsy but the underlying message was there; we’re in love. Love comes in so many shapes and sizes, so use Valentine’s Day as a way to say I love you to everyone you have any kind of feelings for. Your postman. The guy who works at the corner store near your house. The girl who told you that dress looked fierce on you when you didn’t bring a friend to the changing rooms with you. Your bestie, who always thinks you are your most beautiful and genuine self.
6) Hit up them thangs
And by that I mean text some dudes who you know are single. Notice how I said text some dudes who you know are single. Don’t be that girl hittin’ up them taken thangs. Even guys get lonely on Valentine’s Day – they have feelings too! So show them some love and maybe they, in turn, will show you some love. There’s nothing better than two non-committed, slightly intoxicated single people getting what they truly deserve on Valentine’s Day: some looooooooove (ifyaknowwhatimean).
At the end of the (v)day, don’t let a shitty Hallmark holiday ruin your week. Hit me up if you’re feeling sad and I’ll pump you full of cheap pink wine and corner store chocolates, like a true friend <3