We’ve gotta talk about nudes. Everyone reading this right now has had an experience with nudes. Taking them, sending them, receiving them, printing them out and keeping them in their wallet. K maybe not that last one. But maybe?
Anyways. Everyone has an opinion on them, everyone has a story about them, everyone has a very weird way of talking about them. All of my friends make fun of me because I hate it when people hold my phone. When I give my phone to someone to put their number in, I watch them like a hawk. I had to lend my phone to a friend so he could make a phone call the other day and when the call was over I accidentally punched him in the face while reaching for it because I was so excited to have it back.
My friends make fun of me because they say the reason why I don’t like it when people hold my phone is because I’m afraid they’ll look through my pictures and see my nudes. And it’s true, I don’t deny it when it comes up. Sometimes I look like a fucking smokeshow, and as a girl who’s struggled with body issues her whole life, fuck you if you think I’m not gonna snap pics of those moments. One day, when I design a time machine, I will go back to 100-pound, 11-year-old, 4-foot-8 Christine and be like, “Hey bitch, wassup?! One day, you’ll wear lace underwear every day and look like this!!” and past me will be like “Wowwwww, but will I ever not be a ginger?!” and I’ll look down at her and say, “Yup, by the time you turn 17 you won’t resemble Carrot Top anymore and you will look less like someone threw orange paint at your face and more like a lightly-freckled porcelain doll.” Then I’ll pat her head and let her go home and eat a one-pound Michelina’s fettucine alfredo frozen dinner before mom gets home.
The thing is, I don’t understand why my friends make fun of me for having nudes on my phone. I like dating, I like guys, I like making the guys I date happy. If that means sending them a picture of the underwear I’m wearing at 2pm, that’s what I’m gonna do. It doesn’t make me a bad girl, it makes me a girl who thinks guys getting boners in public places in the afternoon is hilarious and kinda cute. I’m not out here sending nudes to every guy who breathes in my direction, every guy who matches with me on Tinder, every guy who’s ever sent me a late-night text. You think I spent $80 on one Victoria’s Secret bra so that every motherfucker with Snapchat can see it? Nuh uh. You gotta earn that picture. You gotta work for that picture. This bra has diamonds in it, bitch.
I mostly take pictures of myself – brace yourself here – for myself. I truly, deeply, like myself. I know that’s weird to hear in a society that is constantly telling girls they aren’t tall enough, aren’t skinny enough, aren’t strong enough, aren’t tanned enough, whatever new thing is “in” for girls to care about. Don’t get me wrong – I know I’m far from perfect, but I have no problem attracting guys, so I must be doing something right (I personally think it’s my naturally big ass and my sometimes borderline-offensive sense of humour, but if you have a different theory I’d love to hear it.) Sometimes I’ll lie in bed at night and look through my pictures and think, “Damn girl. You’re fucking doing you and I love it,” and there is no better feeling than being your own goddamn cheerleader.
But yes, there are guys who will try to fuck you over. There are guys out there who think that because you’re willing to share your body with him, you’re willing to share it with anyone. Which is shitty and disgusting and horrifying and just plain rude. To betray that trust, that vulnerability, is unacceptable. They deserve a lifetime of bad, toothy blow jobs and badly-cooked steak. They deserve to be randomly punched in the balls by unnaturally strong children and be reminded every day that they are disappointments to their mothers.
And while we’re on the topic – guys… when a girl sends you a nude, fucking reciprocate. I’m not saying you need to send us pictures of your dick. Quite the contrary. There’s nothing, I repeat, nothing exciting about a flaccid penis. Do not send us pictures of your flaccid penis. If you’re sending us a picture of it, it should be at full attention. I shouldn’t have to be telling you this. But a simple “Damn, you look fucking hot,” is really appreciated. If you want to send us pictures that will make us swoon, send one of like a paycheck you earned at a steady job, or one of you studying at your dining room table, or one of a grown-up meal that you made yourself, or one of you hugging your mother. That’ll really get us going.
At the end of the day, whether you take naked pictures or yourself or not, don’t let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do. Don’t give into guys who pressure you to take them and, alternatively, don’t think that if you do take them you’re some kind of filthy STD-ridden peasant woman. Do you, boo.