Ah, a new year. That time of year that has you reflecting on all the horrible choices you made in the past 365 days and your vows to make the next 365 mean something more. I never understood the point of making resolutions. I make myself resolutions every day: Get out of bed. Go to work. Don’t murder anyone. Go to school. Eat a salad. Okay, eat a salad and a chicken burger. Okay, eat a salad, a chicken burger and maybe seven Hershey kisses. Okay, 10 Hershey kisses and an extra three minutes on the stairmaster.
We can make resolutions whenever we goddamn please. I could wake up on July 2 and decide that the next 365 days are going to be meaningful and beautiful, but for some reason we focus on the first of January. So this year, I’ve decided I’m making some resolutions. Here they are.
1) Learn how to make foods that don’t come in a box with instructions written on them
I wanna be the kind of person who has three tomatoes and a bunch of kale in their fridge and makes something worthy of being served in a five-star restaurant. How do people do that? They’re like, “Oh I had a really simple breakfast – homemade greek yogurt with natural honey and three handfuls of fresh spinach from my garden on top of a bed of raspberry preserve my grandmother taught me how to make.” And you’re like “Yeah I had a sausage McMuffin with an extra cheese slice. It cost me an extra 25 cents so it must have taken some effort to get it on there.” I also don’t necessarily wanna be healthier. There’s nothing I love more than coming home from some drunken debauchery and eating a whole bag of Sun Chips and then feeling no guilt about it the next day. But I feel like if I eat foods that sometimes don’t come from a box then being healthier comes along with that. And maybe I’ll get used to that.
2) Write more
I know I sound like a broken record when I say this, but it’s true. I used to write every day – every goddamn day. Whether it was just weird thoughts like, “I wonder how the first kiss ever went down – was it awkward? When was tongue introduced? Did those people then have to show other people how to do it? Was it widely accepted? I think I would have liked to be the person to invent kissing.” or possible titles for my eventual novel, like “We Should Do More Shots!” or “Am I Doing This Right?” I never understood people who didn’t like writing – who hate writing e-mails or letters or lists. It’s so liberating and natural and beautiful. So I vow to do more of it, in abundance, without hesitation.
3) Do things slower
I’m not a slow person. I walk fast, I type fast, I speak fast, I write fast, I get my work done fast. I don’t like it when people are slow, it makes me really angry and makes me feel like I just can’t wait until the whole world is made up of robots who do everything super efficiently. You know how everyone takes baths? I get like a million Snapchats every Sunday night of people’s feet in bath water with a candle and a mug of tea on the ledge with a caption like, “Gettin’ my bath on” or “Sunday night relaxation station” and I just don’t get it. I tried to take a bath two weeks ago. I lasted a solid five minutes before I thought to myself, “I’m sitting in lukewarm water doing absolutely nothing when I could be not sitting in lukewarm water doing something.” So I want to try taking things easy. Doing things a bit slower, maybe with a bit more ferocity and a bit more passion. A fast life does not indulge passion.
4) Stop going out with guys who, at any point in any conversation, say we should get drunk together
Believe it or not, this happens to me way more often than it should. I’ll go on a couple dates with someone and then boom: “We should get drunk together.” Oh, ’cause we’ve been on three dates and I haven’t slept with you yet so now we should get drunk together so that maybe I’ll touch your penis? No thanks. If I need drinks in order to see what’s in those pants, you shouldn’t want to go out with me. But sometimes I’ll do it for the sake of just going out and seeing what happens. And it never ever ever ends well. It either ends in an awkward “Please stop kissing me, I don’t want this to be happening right now.” Or the even worse option: “That wasn’t the right time to do that and now I don’t like you.” So from now on, only dates with boys who appreciate my sober, somewhat quirky discussion topics.
5) On that note, stop being so stressed out by dates
I could be going out with a hermit who spends his days drinking Mountain Dew Code Red and playing Diablo III and I would still be worried that he would think my necklace looked gaudy. I don’t know why I stress myself out so much. I think it might be because I hate the idea of dates. Two people in a room being forced to talk to each other about stuff for the VERY FIRST TIME. Who the fuck came up with that idea? Then I have to make myself sound impressive. What impressive things have I done?? The answer is nothing. I have done nothing impressive. The things that I think are impressive, like cleaning my room every three months and actually getting myself to the gym on a regular basis, are not impressive to other people. But all that needs to end. I can’t be stressed out by dates, I’m a grown-ass woman. And cleaning your room every three months is impressive. Kinda.
6) Drink better wine
My mom likes to make fun of me because at one point in my life I liked to mix Gallo (a ridiculously cheap rosée that tastes like juice) with 7up and call it a wine spritzer. Apparently that’s in bad taste. I want to become more educated about wine and not just buy whichever bottle is as close to $10 as possible. Don’t get me wrong – I still love that sweet, sweet metallic taste of corner-store wine, but I would like to have a viable option for when I’m invited to fancy things like dinner parties and … other fancy things.
7) Stop spending so much money
I have no idea where all my money goes. Oh wait, I do. Food. So much food. All the food. I just love food. I used to work a mid-shift. For those of you who don’t know what a mid-shift is, it’s the worst fucking possible shift you could ever work. It usually runs from 10am-6pm, 11am-7pm or 12pm-8pm. It chews up your whole day and ensures that you will be A) not willing to get up before 10am to get anything done, and B) too tired by 7pm that you will not want to do anything once you get home. So, I never made my own lunch and spent all my money on Tim Horton’s coffee and Subway cookies. 2014 was all about those great life choices, as you can see. So this year I promise to make and eat my own lunch, regardless of how gross it looks when I pull it out of the work fridge at noon and how easy it is to walk across the street and get myself a crispy chicken. Please help me, baby Jesus.
8) Get over my fear of missing out
I’ll say yes to any party or outing you invite me to. I love being around people and socializing and hearing peoples’ stories and being a part of something. But, I’ve come to realize that most of the time I attend an event I don’t even have that much fun. Either I’m too tired and I forced myself to go out or I felt like I needed to go because I said yes to someone. But the biggest reason I go is because I’m afraid I’m gonna miss something if I don’t. Miss what? I don’t know. I think a lot of people in our generation have this fear of missing out (FOMO) and it’s being perpetuated by social media, naturally. You see your friends checked in somewhere and you think “Oh God, that sounds like so much fun. They’re probably all telling stories. I wonder how drunk they are. I wonder what I’m missing.” In actuality, they’re probably all sitting there telling the same stories you’ve heard multiple times and trying to come up with different topics to work with. Social media only tells the fun, shiny part of the story. Not the truth.
9) Get more sleep
I’m a classic case of sleep-for-four-hours-pound-two-coffees-and-I’m-good-to-go. For my entire two and a half years in CEGEP and my first two years of university I didn’t even drink coffee, I found it so disgusting. And I think I still do. I never used to go to bed before two in the morning. All of my best writing and work I got done between 10pm and 2am – how could I give that up?? There’s so much to do at night! So many links to click and books to read and boys to stalk! This might be my hardest resolution; I love staying up late and I always have. (In all seriousness, if anyone can recommend a tea that makes you sleepy I would be eternally grateful.)
10) Be able to properly round-out my top-ten lists?