What a better time to make a comeback? The most viscerally-felt of all 365 days of the year. The most useless of all holidays. The worst day if you hate all forms of PDA. The best day if you love crying alone in your car on your lunch break about how alone you are and always will be. VALENTINE’S DAY. I know, I know, valentine’s day blogs are overdone and rife with underlying messages of sadness.
But we won’t talk about VD today.
I’m not a very sad person. I’m honestly not a very ~anything~ person. I have a lot of feelings and choose not to show any of them – denial is a great place to live. It’s honestly a miracle I haven’t had a nervous breakdown in the middle of a Forever 21 yet, but I know the day is coming.
But one thing I do feel a lot is happy, because sometimes, the people I love say funny things to me about my love life. Here are some of those things.
1. “Are you a lesbian?” – my mother
Nope, pretty sure I’m riding this D train for life, Mom. I’ve briefly considered ~batting for the other team~ as I’m sure most girls who have ever been asked out and subsequently dumped over Snapchat have, but those sweet, sweet trouser snakes just keep drawing me back in.
2. “Please don’t have children.” – one of my best friends
I once went apple picking with my friend, and I may or may not have made the decision to do so very drunkenly the night before. My friend bounced back with gusto whereas I stood under the shower head for 20 minutes drinking gatorade and silently pleading for the sweet release of death. Once we got to the orchard, I was hungry and tired and it took me a solid fifteen minutes to figure out how many pounds of apples I was willing to carry (zero, but I settled for eight) through an orchard full of people I didn’t want to be around. Included in these people I didn’t want to be around was children. They all looked sticky and dirty – their parents looked worn out and run down, like they would much rather be at a bottomless-mimosa brunch than at a fucking orchard with their three kids and their kids’ friends’ parents who they are now forced to hang out with because they don’t have time to make real friends. On the tractor I loudly exclaimed “Oh my God, do children ever shut the fuck up?” and my best friend looked around, completely embarrassed, to see if anyone heard before turning to me and begging, “Please never have kids.”
3. “When are you gonna find a nice boy and settle down?” – my extended family
The chances of me finding a nice boy are probably about the same as my chances of not snapchatting anyone I shouldn’t after four vodka 7s, or successfully waking up after my first of six alarms go off in the morning, or fighting off a bear alone in the wilderness. I do believe there are nice guys out there, I’ve dated many of them, I just don’t like them. If a guy shows too much interest in me, I’m automatically turned off. As soon as they start drifting away, I’m reeled right back in. Yeah, baby, I like it when you ignore all my texts and then tell me you “fell asleep” even if it was at 5pm. Ooooh, tagged in a picture with another girl on Facebook? Christine likey. You’ve decided to get back together with your ex after months of leading me on? Come to mama.
4. “Get your shit together.” – another one of my best friends
I went to a bridal shower once, hungover, as I like to attend all important milestones in my friends’ lives. So hungover, in fact, that I forgot to put on mascara and forced my best friend to bring me some because without it I look like an albino rat that escaped from a testing lab somewhere deep in a forest. There was a make-your-own-mimosa bar at the bridal shower and I firmly cemented myself next to it for a solid 30 minutes. That, coupled with copious amounts of candy and pigs-in-a-blanket, left me feeling a little melancholic about my – at the time – somewhat chaotic love life. “I’m never going to find a love like they have,” I said to my friend, throwing back what was probably pure champagne with a splash of pink lemonade. She turned to me, gave me a look that could kill a small child and said, “We’re at a bridal shower. This day isn’t about you. Get your fucking shit together.” And I have never loved her more than in that moment.
5. “Oh, Nini…” – my sisters
My two baby sisters are both in beautiful, committed, long-term relationships with boys who are kind and nice and funny and who buy them jewelry. It makes family dinners very fun because we all get to joke that my boyfriend is the 1.5L bottle of corner-store wine I brought with me. Despite being three and six years younger than me, respectively, they are infinitely wiser than I am. So whenever I tell them anything about my love life, it affords them the opportunity to shake their heads and scold me, which I did a lot to them as a teenager. So technically I’m doing them a favour because now they get revenge…….right…….yeah, we’ll go with that.
6. “So, what’s going on in the boy department??” – anyone who hasn’t seen me for more than six months
I find it really funny when people ask me this because I picture my brain like a big company housed in a big, tall, glass building. One day, a small, spindly intern runs into a large office, out of breath and sweating through his short-sleeved, ill-fitting white dress shirt. “The Boy Department,” he pants, “they’re, they’re -” he gets cut off by a broad-shouldered man smoking a cigar sitting behind a large oak desk: “Let me handle this, Jenkins!” He puts his cigar down in an ashtray sitting next to a tumbler of amber liquid. His moustache twitches as he picks up the phone and moves his fat fingers around the keypad with ease. “Hello, yes, Boy Department? What’s going on down there?” he barks.
Cut to the Boy Department – it’s on fire and none of the employees know what they’re doing.
That’s what’s going on in the Boy Department.