I’m tired of saying I’m sorry for not writing so let’s just all accept the fact that I have a life outside my blog and move on.
So school is officially over (if you’re in summer school I feel bad for you son I got 99 problems but school ain’t one) and you know what that means – it’s time to party every day that ends in a Y and make horrible, life-altering mistakes! Sometimes, summers are too much to handle. We’ve all been there. This is what I like to call The Double Take; going out 2 nights in a row and wondering how the fuck you are going to handle all that alcohol. Here’s a play-by-play.
3:00pm – You just got out of bed and your head is pounding. You reach up to your headboard and find out that Drunk You made one good call last night and it was leaving Sober You a water bottle.
4:00pm – You get out of bed and make yourself a whole pot of Kraft Dinner, all the while ignoring the glaring looks from your parents as you eat the whole thing on the couch out of a soup bowl while watching re-runs of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
5:00pm – You start getting texts from friends asking what you’re doing tonight and it is making you want to crawl through your phone and punch them in the face so they feel the pain you are currently enduring. At this point you cave and pop, like, seven Tylenols in the hopes that the swelling in your brain goes down. You also stare your mother in the face and say, “Why did you birth me? I hate it here.”
6:00pm – Someone FINALLY goes to the grocery store and buys you a Gatorade. You drink it and wonder if it’s actually maybe magic and then you shake your head and chuckle, “Hah, magic,” and then you wonder if you might still be drunk.
7:00pm – You panic and wonder if you’re working tonight. You go to check your phone but you can’t find it and then you end up furiously calling it and blaming your sisters for moving it. You then find it next to your bushes outside and think that you probably shouldn’t try to remember why it was left there.
7:07 – After finding your phone you forget what you were going to check and you just end up spending the next hour and a half on Reddit.
8:30pm – Your friends convince you to go out for a second night in a row and try to tell you it “won’t get too cray, Christine, we’re gonna leave at 1am, don’t worry” (spoiler alert: your friends are liars) so you take a shower and think “I should’ve done this when I first woke up, it’s so refreshing!” This is when you get what I like to call The Second Wind.
8:45pm – How should I do my hair? Is black eyeliner too harsh? Where did that white eyeshadow go? Should I do my makeup before drying my hair? Maybe I should curl it. Wow this eyeliner looks horrible. How did I get mascara all the way down there? This hairdryer is loud. I’M GONNA POP SOME TAAAGS ONLY GOT TWENNY DOLLAS IN MA POCKEEET. Oh shit where’d all my money go? Looks like it’s a Visa-sponsored night. Well now I’ve sweated off all my makeup. Ah, fuck it, let’s just go somewhere dark.
9:30pm – THIS SECOND WIND IS AWESOME, LET’S JUST START DRINKING NOW!
10:00pm – Your friend just picked you up and you are so fucking pumped. You’re gonna own tonight. Tonight is your night.
10:05pm – You text everyone you know and ask them if they’re hitting up [insert local bar's name here] tonight. They are, because you live in the West Island and there’s no where else to go. Duh. You go pick up some more people and get the show on the road.
10:30pm – You get to the bar; it’s not super packed but there’s a good amount of people. Your friends look at you and ask “What are we drinking?” Then someone says: “shots!” and you say: “shit.”
11:30pm – You’re four tequila shots and a half-pitcher of sangria in and you’re feeling awesome. Invincible. No one can get on your level because it is unreachable.
11:32pm – You’re in the handicapped stall of what you’re pretty sure is the girls’ bathroom with four other girls trying to convince them that the guy you’re macking on doesn’t have a girlfriend. None of you are peeing. Just chatting.
12:00am – You just declared a dance-off with someone who you’re pretty sure made it to the semi-finals of So You Think You Can Dance Canada and you are losing hard.
12:30am – You lost the dance-off but you laugh it off because you’re drunk and nothing can embarrass you! Luckily, you meet a bunch of cute guys who are so drunk they think your dancing is incredible and you sit at their table. One of them says, “I think we should do tequila!” and you’re like, “I love tequila!” even though you’re pretty sure that if you even watch someone take another shot of tequila you’ll vomit. One of your friends says, “Nah thanks,” and you violently scream at them until they take a shot. Because that’s what friends are for.
1:00am – You’re back in the bathroom stall with your four girlfriends crying because the guy you were macking on’s girlfriend just showed up and you hate him and all other men on the planet. This is when the You Go Girl happens. All four of your friends are simultaneously wiping tears off your face or smoothing down your hair or trying to pry your drink out of your death grip all the while saying things like, “Dude, boys are horrible, let’s just have fun!” or “YOU KNOW WHAT? WE DON’T NEED BOYS!” or “Let’s pretend we’re lesbians.” There’s usually one friend whose face says, “Why are we in here? Why is no one peeing?” while her mouth is saying, “Guys, I think we should leave now …” but people generally ignore her.
1:30am – You’re at the bar to get the customary You Go Girl shots and you’ve met an old dude and he is buying you SHOTS. MORE SHOTS. This is generally when you start to question your life choices but who cares because SHOTS.
1:32am – Old guys are creepy.
1:45am – Girl Dancing. The kind when all of your friends are dancing in an impenetrable circle and anytime a boy even looks at you, you put your finger in his face and shout, “NO!”
1:50am – You’re all dancing with different boys.
2:00am – You all simultaneously decide the boys you’re dancing with are skeezy and go back to Girl Dancing.
2:30am – You’re sitting in a booth with your best friend having the most amazing heart-to-heart about how much you love each other and how you will never ever stop being friends no matter how hard life gets. This is the most genuine part of your night and you will never forget this because friends are truly everything.
2:45am – Someone mentions an after-party and everyone is all of a sudden SUPER PUMPED.
3:00am – On the way to the after-party you and your two friends pass out, creating a messy pile of limbs in your best friend’s backseat. She immediately decides that you aren’t going to the after-party.
3:15am – You smell McDonald’s, wake up from your drunken stupor to the surprise of everyone else in the car and yell, “GET ME A BIG MAC TRIO.”
3:17am – You are done your Big Mac trio and immediately fall asleep once again.
3:25am – You are finally home once again. You see a water bottle on your headboard, grab it and fill it with (apparently undrinkable) Montreal tap water. You set your alarm for 10:00am but you know 100% that is not happening so you laugh all alone, in your bed, and fall asleep like a little drunk baby giraffe.