Recently, a couple of people were describing my blog to some of their friends. One person said “It’s like you’re telling the world ‘I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you what not to do’” which I think is pretty accurate. So here it is. What not to do.
1) Never say “I love you” first
This will end in disaster, from my personal experience. If you’re dating a guy and it’s going perfectly, don’t let on. Let him be the first one to say it, even if it means meeting his parents (who don’t drink, by the way) and pretending you care about what fucking quilt his mother making for you which so happens to be made out of old t-shirts you accidentally left at his house. If he says the (dreaded) L-word first, you’re golden. You call the shots and dictate how his Friday nights will be spent. Strip club with the boys or chilling on the couch in pajamas with you, watching Ferris Bueller for the 245465652120th time? I think you know the answer to this. C’mon girls, you can play this game also!
2) Never hit on a guy at a party and then get another guy to pick you up from the party so you can go back to his place instead
Guys don’t really appreciate this.
3) Never let a guy convince you to hook up with him by promising you breakfast the next morning
Chances are a) it won’t happen or b) you’ll sneak out in the middle of the night anyways. Guys like making promises with their penises that they don’t plan on keeping the next day, or maybe even within the next hour. I’ve pretty much heard them all; I’ll give you cab money, I’ll drive you home, I’ll give you my wi-fi password, I won’t let my dog watch this time, etc etc. But you just have to remember that no crepe suzette is worth being The Girl Who Will Give It Up For Some Food.
4) Never ever go after a friend of someone you’ve dated.
They will find out. They will. Whether it’s because you have a big mouth and accidentally told one of his super close friends or because the other guy “feels bad” and admits to his wrongdoings. Then you will be the bitch who ruined a friendship, or the bitch who plays the part of the communal bicycle in their circle of friends.
5) Never make out with a guy under the assumption that if you do he will leave you alone
Surprisingly this happens to me a lot. You know, you’re talking to a guy and as the night goes on you’re getting drunker and drunker and he’s getting cuter and cuter and then you realize that there are other fish in the sea; why focus on one boy when you could focus on all of them at the same time? But this guy is obviously into you so you give him the old pity make-out, assuming that’s what he wants and that once he gets it you’ll be home free. Nuh uh. He will naturally assume that because you made out with him, you want more of what he’s offering. Next thing you know you’re curled up in a doggy bed in the party hostess’ bedroom hoping that if he comes in he’ll be too drunk to notice that you are not, in fact, a dog. A few days later you’ll be dodging text messages from him asking if you want to “hang out” which is code for “tongue wrestle” and you will want to shoot yourself in the face.
6) Never try to convince your dad that you aren’t drunk as you sway back and forth in his passenger seat while your equally-as-drunk friends try to stabilize you from their seats
He will not believe you.
7) On that note, don’t call your dad to pick you up in front of a bar at 5am while there are police cars surrounding the place
He will be concerned. You will also have to explain to him why your shirt is ripped/why you have a pair of boy’s boxers shoved in your clutch.
8) Never tell a guy you are newly dating that you and your sisters all have weird nicknames for each other and then proceed to explain the origins of the nicknames
I’m a sucker for telling guys very embarrassing things on first dates, like how my sisters and I pretend we’re dementors sometimes. Or that I like to take pictures of random people who look like my friends. Or that I once thought Spain was in South America. Guys aren’t impressed by the fact that you can do a perfect crab walk, or that you can do a pretty spot-on Asian accent. They’re mostly just weirded out. Remember that before you try to tell a guy you’re amazing at clam fishing (even though you really are.)
9) Never try to make a grilled cheese sandwich when you’re drunk
A grilled cheese sandwich is probably the only thing I can make at any time of the day in any state of mind without completely burning my house down. That and Kraft Dinner. But doing it drunk requires a lot of skill. Skill that includes not blowing up your kitchen or burning yourself on hot cheese. The only time I tried to make a grilled cheese while I was drunk I ended up leaving it in the blazing hot pan while I did shoulder stretches on my kitchen floor in my pajamas and froggy slippers (it was after a rugby game, I was still sore .. can you blame me, really?) Needless to say the sandwich turned into a hard piece of burnt bread and cheese, so I had to throw it out and turn to my next best option; cold rice and cheese strings.
Follow these nine rules and .. well, you’ll probably live a very boring life, but that’s okay too!
