1) “Are you seeing anyone?”
I hate this question. It usually comes after the usual tirade of useless small talk: How’s school? Are you still working at the gym? How’s rugby? Are you writing anything right now? etc. etc. Truth be told, I ask people this too. It’s juicier than hearing about a presentation they prepped for over the course of four nights for a class with a title like “Intro to Marketing 202″ and makes no sense to you. I like hearing about peoples’ love lives and I guess other people like hearing about mine. But when someone asks me this question, I always say no. Even if I am seeing someone! I get very superstitious and I convince myself that if I tell anyone I actually like a member of the opposite sex it’s going to end in flames. But maybe that’s just because I’m a horrible person, not because I verbally put it out there in the world.
2) “Have you tried Plenty of Fish/Tinder/Match.com/ChristianMingle?”
Yes, yes I have. Do you know who signs up for Plenty of Fish? Guys who are too cheap to pay for Match.com. Online dating is the new meeting-a-girl-in-a-bar. Everyone has tried it, everyone has done it, everyone has an aunt who met the love of her life on J-Date. Meeting a guy online is just not my style. You could be a 6-foot-5 25-year-old who sold his first start-up for three billion dollars and I would still be sketched out by the fact that you have a Plenty of Fish profile. K maybe not, but you get the point. It’s really really hard to get a feel for someone over a computer or a smartphone.
Also, as someone who takes pride in grammar, seeing a message from someone reading, “heey, i reead ur prof n u look super kool, wanna meet up 4 a drink?” makes me so angry I need to breathe into a paper bag for three minutes. And you all already know that the only people who are interested in me when it comes to online dating are unilingual French dudes and old Indian men.
3) “You’ll find someone.”
As if I’ll be frolicking around the fucking woods one day, lift up a rock and be like “OH SHIT MAN! I’m so sorry, how long have you been under there?” Who came up with this stupid saying? Most of the time when people say this, they forget how incredibly demeaning it is. It’s extremely rare for me to actually go looking for men. Most of the men I’ve dated have kind of just landed in my lap (literally? lollll.) I’m not about to go searching the globe for my one true love and think that it will make me happy. There are so many other things I want to “find” in life. Like a good job. And a healthy lifestyle. And a car that is both environmentally friendly and badass. And a perfect colour to dye my eyebrows. AND a pair of leggings that don’t become see-through as soon as I bend over. All of those things would make me a very happy person, regardless of whether or not I have someone to share them with.
4) “I should introduce you to my brother/friend/landlord/gardener.”
I’ve seen pictures of your brother. He looks like you, but a dude. Ain’t about that life. The worst is when you’re talking about your love life with someone and they’re like “Ooh I’m such a great match-maker, what kind of guys do you like?” and you’re like “Any guy who has a beard and will buy me at least one beer when we go out.” And they laugh and laugh as if you’re joking. Then they walk away and you’re like “So?! Do you know anyone that fits that criteria?!”
5) “You should take some time for yourself.”
OMG YOU’RE SO RIGHT. I SHOULD JUST BE BY MYSELF FOR RIGHT NOW. Funny, cause I’m by myself a lot. Like I’m by myself almost ten hours a day.
6) “You shouldn’t be doing that if you’re trying to find something real.”
Sometimes, in moments of weakness, I’ll make bad life decisions. Like hooking up with a friend of someone I used to date. Or hooking up with someone I used to work with. Or hooking up with someone I currently work with. Now, these may or may not be bad life decisions and lead to seemingly awkward morning-after encounters, but I don’t see them as mistakes, necessarily. One of the perks of being single is not having to worry about what you’re doing (while remaining safe, of course)! And having someone else tell me that I shouldn’t do something makes me want to do it even more. So bring it.
7) “You’re so great, I don’t know how you’re still single.”
As if I’m the greatest person on earth and it is a national emergency that I haven’t found a boy to hang out with on a semi-regular basis. I know I have really great qualities. I’m a great baker. And I would do anything for a friend. I like beer and most sports where you’re allowed to hit people. I like to stay up late and read, I’m really good at brain teaser apps, I can make scrambled eggs in the microwave, I pull off bows really well and I’m really good at Scrabble. I’m good at making/eating nachos and I know all the words to Bruce Springsteen’s 1985 hit “I’m Goin’ Down”. But there are also a lot of bad things about me. I don’t like confrontation. I send a lot of drunk Snapchats, I procrastinate, sometimes (most of the time) I don’t believe in myself and am convinced I’m going to be a huge failure. I always take the long way when I drive somewhere, I can’t multitask when I’m on my phone, I take too many selfies, I’m that person that uses all the hot water just before you wanna take a shower. Sometimes I get really scared in the middle of the night and make a lot of noise running from my room to the bathroom because I think there’s someone standing in my dark living room waiting for the moment when I have to pee so he can sneak into my room, hide under my bed and murder me. Also I have a crazy imagination. Relationships aren’t about finding the GREATEST person on earth, it’s about finding a person who’s great for you.
8) “Do you think you’re being a bit too picky?”
I’m not going to lie, I’m insanely picky when it comes to boys. If you’re too nice to me, you’re out. If you’re too much of an asshole, you’re out. If I don’t like your hair one day, you’re out. If you call me Chris instead of Christine, even by accident, you’re out. If you get a table at the restaurant before I get there and make me look around for you, you’re out. It’s not the best way to do things, but it’s my way. And you should never ever settle. Ever. Being picky is good, don’t let people tell you it’s bad.
9) “Whatever happened to you and <boy’s name here>?”
Yayyyyyyy you know what my day was missing? Someone reminding me of my ex. I’m so happy you brought that up! You should go climb into a hole and stay there.
10) “You’re young, you have time”
That’s where you’re wrong. Literally every second I’m getting older and older. And those seconds add up to minutes and those minutes add up to hours and hours turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. I could find love in the next five minutes or I could find it on my 42nd birthday. Love doesn’t happen when you’re young, it happens when you’re ready.
So fuck what people tell you and continue dating guys you’re not serious about and having sex with people on picnic benches.