I went out looking for articles talking about rebounds. Just to see what’s been done, check out whether or not I’m repeating a bunch of shit people already know, the usual journalistic stuff. And I’ve realized that there is a lot of horrible rebound stuff out there. I don’t usually give advice, I kinda just say it like it is and allow people to interpret it, but Cosmo is next-level shitty advice-giving. In this shitty Cosmo article (ps. I love Cosmo, it’s like a train wreck – you wanna look away but you can’t because it’s so hypnotizing in its destructiveness) they “clearly” outline what to do if you think the new guy you’re seeing is a rebound. This is it:
Ask a friend.
Are you kidding me? I ask my friends about everything in my life; what shoes to wear with what outfit, what I should text boys, what I should have for lunch, what they think about my urge to tuck people’s tags back in their shirts when they’re sitting in front of me (or if they have a piece of string on their shirt or something, that shit really gets to me.) I ask my friends about every tiny detail of my day – why does Cosmo think I wouldn’t ask a friend about this?
Me: Hey how’s it going?
Friend: Not bad, how are things with that guy?
Me *stuttering*: Oh … um … yeah – no. I mean, nothing. Yeah, he died.
Friend: What?! He died?!
Me: No, I’m sorry. But I think he’s a rebound and Cosmo didn’t tell me specifically to ask you about it so I made something up.
Yeah, okay. Thanks Cosmo, you’ve been a great help. And! In this little gem, they list the top 10 ways of finding out if you’re a rebound. I didn’t think it was really that hard, but apparently it is. My favourite tips are number six: “He admits he cyber-stalks his Ex and asks you to post something mean on her Facebook or Twitter.” Who are you dating, my 12-year-old neighbour?! And number nine: “You’d say your relationship was ‘fun and sexy’ not ‘loving and intimate’.” So real relationships can’t be fun and sexy? That sounds quite boring and a lot like my own personal hell.
Enough Cosmo bashing (love you, you hot mess of a mag) and let’s get down to bidnezz. In my mind, there are several different types of rebounds, not all of them involving sex. But number one is obviously …
1) The sexual rebound
You get outta that relationship and you’re just like I WANT SEX AND I WANT IT NOW. So you go out on the prowl and you find yourself a piece of man/woman that will satisfy your every need in ways your ex never did. You’re getting it on more than those squirrels in the tree right outside my house (trust me it’s a lot) and you are insatiable. You’re fielding texts from guys, girls and everything in between. You’re dedicating certain days to certain people, you’re busting out of janitor’s closets, women’s washrooms, 2-door sedans, jungle gyms, alleyways, etc. with your skirt around your hips and your hair not in the updo you started out with at the beginning of the night. I’m all for meaningless sex. Meaningless sex is lovely and fulfills our basic primal urges with absolutely no strings attached, no vulnerability and no horrible discussion-starters like “Who are we spending Christmas with?”, “I hate your mom!” and “God dammit my favourite M&Ms are peanut BUTTER not regular PEANUTS!” It’s very animalistic of us, when you think about it. It’s also a good way to bury all of your resentment and then take it out on someone in a really kinky way. Think about it, take a second.
2) The food rebound
Damn girl you eat more than Honey Boo Boo’s mom on roadkill clean-up day. You’re sitting on your couch/bed, covered in powdered cheese that might be Cheeto dust or the Kraft Dinner cheese that you ate straight from that little packet because you didn’t have the energy to make the whole meal. There are wrappers everywhere. You’re making meals that don’t even go together, like ramen with a slice of Velveeta cheese on top of it. Then for dessert you just melt some butter and stir some brown sugar and pretend it’s crème brulée or some fancy shit. Your friends invite you out and you ask if they can pick somewhere where sweatpants are appropriate because none of your jeans fit you anymore. You also check out the menu of the place beforehand so you can time your dishes properly to get the maximum amount of food down your gullet in the three hours you spend out of your bed. Filling the void in your heart by filling your stomach isn’t necessarily a bad thing though, because you could also dedicate some time to …
3) The fitness rebound
You’re up at like, 5am, watching birds fly around, running down your street and you are fucking PUMPED. You have so much energy and your mantra (“I hope he runs into me when I get skinny”) is giving you this weird cocaine-like high that makes you feel invincible. You join a gym and take every single class, even that 9am Aqua-Fit whose only other attendees are all over the age of 65. You feel great, you’ve lost weight, you’ve toned up. Your ex may have left you brokenhearted but you have a new boyfriend now and his name is Squat Rack. And he’s made your ass look better than your ex ever did.
4) The social media rebound
You are on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, Whisper, Snapchat, Skype, Pinterest, Vine, Keek, Viber, Flikr, Reddit, you’re even on Foursquare (even though Foursquare is reserved for horrible BlackBerry users – we’ll forgive you for not having a real smartphone) for like a million hours a day in the hopes that your ex will see all the shit you’ve been up to. Better check in at the train station, so he knows I’m on my way to school! That’ll show him. Oh, now I’m at Starbucks, better Instagram a pic of my drink so he knows that my caffeine intake is about the same since he left me. Now I’m in class! I’ll just tweet some stupid thing the teacher said so he knows that even though he ripped my heart out of it’s cavity he cannot break my dedication to amazing grades #preach! I’m not going to lie, sometimes I check-in just so my exes know where I am and know how much fucking fun I’m having without them. Sometimes it’s easy to take it too far, but keep yourself in check and you should be over him in no time.
5) The self-rebound
Have you ever said the words “You know what man? Imma just do me for a bit,” to a friend? Then you, darling, have completed step one of the self-rebound. This is my fave, if I do say so myself. You get your nails done, you change your hair colour, you spend a ton of money you don’t have on like two and a half items of designer clothing, you buy yourself a watch and an organizer, you watch your favourite movies, you go out and flirt but you don’t over-flirt, you start wearing red lipstick, you’re just a joy to be around. Because technically you’re dating the only person suitable of dating you – your mother-fucking self. This kind of rebound is also the hardest because – you gotta face it – sometimes, you will be alone. Sometimes you won’t be able to fill that void with meaningless sex, or food, or exercise, or social media. But that’s part of rebounding, it’s part of moving forward and it’s part of getting better.
And step two of the self-rebound is drinking a lot of wine. Like a lot of it. Stick a crazy straw in that mother and call it dinner. ‘Cause you deserve the best.