You see it on every dating website: “Describe your perfect first date.” There is literally no such thing. Both of you are so nervous and you have all this pent-up energy and you’ve made so many assumptions that you can’t concentrate on what’s happening. Also, there are so many expectations and rules to follow that I end up blowing the entire thing. There’s also the question of whether or not you kiss them, or go to their house, or if you let them touch your vagina. It’s all just so confusing!
I was recently talking to one of my friends and he said that when he was single he went with a five-date rule. If he still liked the person enough after five dates, he would sleep with them, because at that point he knew he was committed and he knew that the other person was willing to put some work into it.
After you get the whole sex thing out of the way – or at least give it a deadline – it’s so much easier to think about what your perfect dates would be. So I decided to list my five perfect dates, leading up to the big bang (hah).
1) The first date
You met this guy at a party a couple weeks ago, you flirted, exchanged numbers and now you’re here. Standing in front of your mirror wearing a crop top and pajama bottoms wondering how you will ever look decent enough to one day get married to someone let alone go on this stupid coffee date. You take a quick glance at your phone and think about cancelling. What would sound believable? My dog is sick? My sister needs a ride to her dance recital? I’m having an existential crisis? I have really bad diarrhea?
No. No, you need to do this. You pick up a pair of jeans and give them a quick sniff. Those will do. You take that stupid fucking crop top off, put on a real-person shirt and move onto your makeup. You put eyeliner on one eye and it looks perfect. Score. You do your other eye and it looks like you raised Amy Winehouse from the dead and hired her as your personal makeup artist. After much deliberation, you decide to go for a “natural” look – aka foundation, bronzer, blush, highlighter, brown eyeliner, nude eyeshadow and a pink lip gloss. Perfect – so natural.
He texts you that he’s outside your house and you ignore your mom’s cries of “What?! He’s too good to come ring our doorbell?!” and you book it out of there.
You get in the car, make small talk about how long it didn’t take you to do your makeup and the weather recently. You get to the café, a small little place, and sit down. Good conversation, a little bit of flirting, just enough to let you know the date’s going well. He doesn’t have any visible deformities and he seems to be the kind of person who wouldn’t turn out to be some kind of mass murderer who gets off on wearing other peoples’ skin. You laugh, talk and have a good time. He drives you home, you get kind of nervous and sweaty because you want to kiss him but you don’t know if he wants to kiss you and then BAM all of a sudden you guys are in front of your house and your mom’s light is still on and you’re getting more and more nervous so you just fucking leave without kissing him and you’re yelling at yourself like WHAT THE FUCK CHRISTINE, WRONG MOVE.
2) The second date
For some unknown reason, he asked you out again. This time you’re going to the movies because you’re 12 years old and aren’t creative enough to think of anything else. You meet him there because your history with him in cars is clearly very horrible and he buys your ticket and you joke about how you usually fall asleep in movies and he says something fucking adorable like “Well I consider myself a very comfortable sleeping surface.” And you’re all like DAMN BOY why didn’t I kiss you?!
You’re seeing some stupid movie because it’s that weird time between seasons where you’ve already seen all the good movies and all the new ones are coming out next week. You both laugh at the same jokes and shed a tear at the emotional moments and all of a sudden you can’t take it anymore so you kiss him in this dark and somewhat crowded room and you just wanna keep going but you still have to pretend you came here to see a movie. Now all you can think of is touching his face and laughing with him and you think that maybe you’re falling for him a little bit but you don’t know how he feels so you definitely don’t want to voice these opinions.
The movie ends and you sit there for another little while and just kiss a little bit and you’re super happy you drove yourself there because you probably couldn’t trust yourself in a small space with him.
3) The third date
The third date has so much potential. It’s that date where it could go either way and you tend to take the way that will get you laid. But he told you about the scar on his forearm from when he tried to make pizza the first time he got drunk at 15 and you told him about that time in kindergarten when your mom caught you kissing your pillow because you were pretending it was Tuxedo Mask from Sailor Moon and you can’t help but feel like you have a good connection with him. Tonight is the night when you find out what’s going on.
You decide on a group hang at a bar, which is a horrible idea but you roll with it. His friends are sitting a table over from yours and everyone seems to be having a good time.
Your friends like him and his friends like you and you’re all doing shots together and you start getting that touchy-feely level of tipsy and you know that if you leave with him you will sleep with him and at this point you don’t want to ruin anything. So, you go over to your best friend and you say, probably a decibel louder than you meant to, “Sweetie, dzon’t lemme go home withim. Dzon’t.” And she’s all like “Yeah gurl, I got dis.”
Boom, all of a sudden it’s the end of the night and he’s tipsy and you’re tipsy and you’re outside the bar and you’re hugging because you don’t really want to let go and one of his friends is saying, “Bro, we gotta go,” and your bestie is all like “Girl, get in the fucking car.” But he’s whispering in your ear that you look amazing tonight and you want to go home with him but your friends are calling you and you say, “Sorry, I can’t. I want to, but I can’t.” And you feel horrible, like you messed it all up. Like the world is over because this was the third date and you didn’t sleep with him.
4) The fourth date
He texted you the day after your group hang saying he’s super hungover and woke up on his couch wearing nothing but his boxers, a shirt he got in the ninth grade from a math competition and a quilt his grandmother made him when he graduated university. You find this overwhelmingly adorable and text your best friend that you want to marry him and meet his quilt-making grandmother and she’s genuinely concerned for you.
He asks what you’re up to and you say nothing so he invites you over for breakfast and you spend the rest of the day eating pancakes and watching a weird mixture of Disney and Mark Wahlberg movies and taking naps alternatively on him/his couch. You text your friends and they’re all jealous and he’s making you coffee and you’re giving him back massages while he sits on the floor in front of you and you’re overcome with happiness but now there’s even more pressure on the big deed. Now you genuinely like him and you think that maybe he genuinely likes you just by the way he looks at you sometimes and laughs at your weird jokes. Now it’s going to be sensual as opposed to down-and-dirty. You’re gonna want to look at him and you’re going to be acutely aware of his satisfaction throughout the whole thing.
Thinking about this kind of freaks you out because you don’t know if that’s what you want and it’s too new to ask him if that’s what he wants so you leave before he can suggest anything. But you leave feeling really really warm inside.
5) The fifth date
This is it. Tonight is the night. You’re going out to dinner; you wear a cute dress – one that you definitely don’t need to wear Spanx with – and he wears a really cute button-down shirt and you comment on it and he tells you how beautiful you look. You catch a whiff of his cologne mixed with a bit of anxiety-induced body odour and it reminds you of that day you spent on his couch when you sang “Colours of the Wind” with him and Pocahontas.
The dinner goes well, you share dessert and then he asks if you want to go to his place and drink or watch a movie or do anything that doesn’t involve being in public and you literally cannot take it anymore so you agree.
You end up back at his place drinking beer and eating cheesecake out of the box but at this point you’re so happy to just be with him that everything goes even better than you could have hoped for. He rocks your world and you rock his, multiple times.
Those are my five perfect dates.
Is 1500 words too much for a Plenty of Fish profile?